We had a major crisis in our house yesterday. After running all over town doing errands and rattling around on his work trailer, my husband punctuated, what should have been the end of the day with this…
“I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES!”
Are you over 40…over 50? Ahhh, you know the feeling – that gut-wrenching, helpless, hopeless shuffling around like a blind mouse in search of cheese feeling. Only, without the luxury of a smelly limburger to guide you to your treasure, you are literally stumbling in the dark. It really is a cruel joke – when you are most unable to see is the time you have to look for the very thing that would make you able to see. Not to mention, the horrifying thought of having to wait a week, blind as a bat, while you order new ones.
Horrible. Cruel. Joke.
So, here I am holding back the, “I told you to put those on a lanyard or something because you’re always losing them!” And, instead, I just let him look. It wasn’t my most super supportive, encouraging-wife moment, but I didn’t know where he had been all day and I didn’t see them in any of the usual lost-glasses places. I did, however, quickly glance around the areas within arms reach of my path of retreat.
Nope, not in the recliner or on the kitchen table, the kitchen counter, the diningroom table…so I let him do” his thing.
Ten minutes later, he came to my studio lamenting, “Hon, these lost glasses are really becoming an issue.”
After four years of marriage, I know this is his way of asking for help. I swear, I searched every inch of our house – I, with the glasses intact, who could have been kind and helping all along. (Ugh…I’m working on having a servant’s heart but it doesn’t come naturally.)
Anyway, I searched and searched and searched and stood there staring into the sky sending up arrow prayers to God. “Help!” “Please!” “Help!” I know it wasn’t the end of the world, but my man was distressed and I wanted to fix it.
So, here are me, God, and my blurry-eyed husband searching frantically together to no avail.
It was as if Timmy had Fallen Down the Well
After another 10 minutes I couldnt think of anywhere else to look. I stood inside the front door with the dogs, who were just as confounded as I. The three of us were just standing there looking at each other.
“Do you know where they are?” “No, I dont know where they are.” “Do you know where they are?” Back and forth our eyes darted.
I was hoping one of them would miraculously begin to channel Lassie and lead me to the right spot.
“What is it girl? You know where they are?”
“They’ve fallen down a well!? Oh no, lead me to them!”
I’d follow her and there they’d be. I’d probably have to lower her down the well using rope I’d made from nearby sage brush. Then, I’d pull her back up and the glasses would be in her mouth, no worse for wear! Yay!
Alas, a furry hero never showed….my flight of fancy did give me a few moments to think of all the reasons I hate wearing glasses, though.
Here are my Top 10 Reasons Glasses are a Huge Midlife Downer
1. Lost Glasses Recovery Time
I’m not as nimble as I used to be. So, having to stretch and bend and reach to all the possible places that lost glasses might be is a major workout. One hour of lost glasses requires 24 hours of recovery, but it does count as a workout so maybe this one isn’t such a big disappointment.
2. Hot Flashes
As if it’s not bad enough to feel like a human furnace. Last week, I was standing in line at the grocery store and my glasses steamed up so quickly! As I reached into my purse for my credit card, I was momentarily blinded by the water vapors covering my lenses. I guess I was only, kind of, slightly hurt by the pitiful look the cashier gave me as I handed him the key to my hotel room.
3. Lost Hairs
We all know that thinning hair is just another side effect of growing older, but when our eye glasses become complicit in the battle against lovely locks, they’ve just gone too far. Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about this too much since I cut my hair short.
4. Eye Makeup
If you’re like me, you’re adjusting to changes in skin texture and luminosity and trying new cosmetics for the over 50 crowd. Have you had to deal with the dreaded putting-on-eye-makeup-when-you-can’t-see-past-your-nose-without-glasses phenomenon? My lovely daughter-in-law says she can’t tell I’m doing my eyemakeup blind, but I know there is going to come a day when I put the glasses on after applying eyeliner and I’m going to be horrified.
I live in Colorado where the air is thin and the sun is blinding. Sunglasses are a must – as is the ever maddening question, “Switching back and forth to prescription sunglasses, transitions which never really lighten all the way, clip ons which will get lost the day I receive them or sunglasses over glasses?” There is no good answer here.
When I was 40, I went from wearing no glasses to wearing bifocals – and promptly tripped over a curb on the way out of the optomatrist’s office. The 50s brought on progressives. I haven’t been able to hold my head at a normal angle and see clearly since…ever.
7. The Hot Tub
I realize everyone who wears glasses gets water speckled glasses in the pool. I never had to deal with it before and now that I have an empty nest and more free time to hang out in the hot tub, the water on the glasses is just too much.
Fumbling around to find my glasses on the night stand, I knocked over my phone and a glass of water. Thus, waking my husband and the dogs and ruining my chance for a morning quiet time. This happened regularly until I came up with a solution and crocheted a bedpost basket. It has worked wonders by keeping my glasses handy, thereby preventing a broken hip from blindly stumbling around the bedroom every morning. If you crochet, click the button to download the free PDF pattern from my crochet business Made with a Twist by Crochetpreneur.
9. Driver’s License Renewals
There’s a certain sadness to knowing that someday, hopefully in the distant future, I will be renewing my driver’s license, taking the eye test, and things will not go well. However, that didn’t happen this last time, so I’m good to go until at least 2027!
10. Midlife Woes
Losing your glasses only to realize they’re still on your face. This will likely happen when the kids are visiting and I’ll have to convince them I really can still take care of myself. Or for others, maybe on a first date with a really great guy with distinguished salt and pepper hair, a Beemer, a great golf swing and second home in Boca. You’ll never see him again. Sorry.
The Rest of the Story
Well, neither Peanut nor Moe (my sweet and feisty pups, respectively) came through as the hero, but I did get a flash of inspiration, grabbed my keys and found the glasses. They were on the floorboard of my car, dropped there while my husband was attempting to balance a 10 piece chicken nuggets in one hand and two different dipping sauces in the other while I pled, “Please don’t spill in my new car!” The glasses were virtually invisible, blending in with the black carpet…but they were found.
P.S. The one thing I love about having glasses is that they sit just so on my face to cover up the dark circles that have formed since developing menopausal insomnia. So, there’s that!
Please comment below with your worst/best part of wearing glasses, I love to hear from you.
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